If i was a clout chaser on tik tok I’d just talk about the times I was almost smothered ad a small child.
But I’m not.
Maybe I should be.
Maybe I should exploit my trauma for views.
I feel it’s wrong in some way.
Everything in society is so fucked. Digital prince as can be charged with child neglect and people still love her.
Idk what I’m. Saying I’m upset about other stuff.
“God stood me up”
What else is there really to say? You don’t say it. Because people will argue with you.
I don’t think I’ll ever recover from my loss of Mimi. I’m trying to mitigate other losses but… If I’m completely honest something broke me. Like really broke me. Not in a slowly over time shaped brain badly but in a something snapped in the brain kind of way.
The lengths I would go to have her back aren’t healthy. But if she were back I could smile and truly mean it. I could feel happy. Not just pleased but happy.
I mourn her loss but also what she gave me. And I hurt not just from her absence but from the thing that broke.
Even if you’re doing more of what you want to do I mean it matters but… Not feeling like you know you could feel about it…
When I say something broke I mean it really did. It’s not the same as with my other animals and I’ve had really close relationships with my other animals.
I don’t even entertain the idea of healing anymore. I can’t think of a single thing in the world except another magical animal that makes me believe in myself and makes me feel ok.
But magical isn’t a real life term.
Actually dystopian is more real.
After all this time I can’t remember the good parts without the memory of my own screams.
God is beyond cruel to me. Because he made me the way I am dangles Carrots in front of me and snatches them away or perverts so much it becomes another trauma. Every time without fail.
I went to the barn fully prepared to ride and my horse was having some kind of meltdown. I think she was hungry. (she gets frantic and spooky when she’s hungry.
Anyways I brought my saddle, bridle, all from home because I’ve had over 50 dollars worth of things stolen from the barn so now I have to bring it to and from the barn. Annnnd someone else’s cooler is missing aaaaaannnnd 2 grain bags are missing now…..
This is why I lock up my shit. And exhaust myself bringing my things. I don’t want them stolen. Maybe I should look into a locking saddle trunk but then like I have to lock it to something so the trunk doesn’t walk???
Like idk idk
Sometimes I think I’m weird and then I remember people can have everything and still wish for no one else to have anything.
People hating on Dune are honestly dumb.
Like I understand people’s complaints but the hate? Dumb
You look s
Dumber than I did thinking I could read Dune once and understand it.
the legacy of the jedi is failure.
star wars: episode viii — the last jedi (2017), dir. rian johnson.
Via Ben Solo Lives
